New Message From SteeringWheel: Another One Bites The Dust

Subject: Hello
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I really like your profile. I have a feeling that we might get along rather well. You seem both kind and genuine and I find both to be attractive qualities. Also someone who is down to earth is a rare thing these days. Im hoping that after you check out my page you think im worth getting to know as well. Looking forward to your reply.




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Subject: Dear Car Wheel,
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Hello SteeringWheel. I hope I can call you by your nickname since you did not mention your actual name in your profile or email.



 
Anyway, SteeringWheel – here’s the thing: you freak me out a bit. In your profile, every section has an answer, but then you seem to have included 5 – 6 alternative answers, preceded by dates. 




I understand how exciting it must be to come up with more than one answer, and that you want to commemorate the special occasion with a date, but I actually don’t need to read six paragraphs in response to a question that is ultimately meaningless anyway. 



Maybe going forward, when inspiration strikes, you can just go ahead and delete your previous answer – thereby avoiding freaking out ladies who worry about how much time you have on your hands and/or if you are incapable of coming to this conclusion on your own (which is also concerning).




I have confidence that this small step will make a big difference in improving your chances of finding a lady – but equal confidence in the fact that this lady is not me. Best wishes, SteeringWheel.

J.

Subject: Pescatarian

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I had to google it. Regardless of whether we end up hanging out, I learned something today! I feel very productive!


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Subject: Just not the one.

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Hi there J. I am so glad I could help you expand your vocabulary! And you know what? I love google too. What are the chances?

Sure, I was not super keen on your age (as I was clear about the fact that I would like to date those aged 25 - 29) - or the receding hairline that goes with it - but our mutual love of google and words made me think you just might be the one!

I decided to check out your profile.

I mean... J., you mention that you’re ‘pretty good at poker.’ That’s just confusing. Why mention it if you’re only pretty good at it? I mean - if you’re an awesome poker player - fine, boast all you want, but I still might think you’re hinting at a compulsive gambling issue - not exactly the stuff romances are made of.

But you’re only ‘pretty good’? Not only does that make me consider the possibility that you may have a gambling addiction J., but it also makes me worry that all you excel in is mediocrity (which, again, isn’t exactly the stuff epic romances - at least my own - are made of).

You go on to mention boozing not once, but twice, in your profile. J., I hate to play armchair shrink on a dating website, but didn’t your mother tell you compulsive behaviors don’t attract the ladies?

So, it is with a heavy heart, J., that I must say, thanks, but no thanks. While at one point I was convinced you were “The One” (after I got over your hairline but before I encountered your profile/hobbies) I am now sure that we will not work out. Best of luck with the booze and gambling!

new message from bobby: what a let-down.

Subject: love black too.

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How are you? I'm Bobby!! You have a good Christmas?

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Subject: black is not enough.

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I am doing well thanks, Bobby. I did have a great Christmas, I would ask you how yours was but I don’t want to give you the idea that our mutual love of the color black is enough :( I was hoping it would mean we were soul mates, but it appears the fates had other plans. Because the truth is, I don’t think we’re going to work out.

I noticed you’re a big YANKEE FAN and DALLAS COWBOYS. When I read that, I started to get concerned. Bobby, I don’t like either of those teams. However, because I am desperate and all - I read on.

Sadly, I knew our hypothetical romance was not meant to be when you described your work by saying “work with autism kids.” Sadly I am not sure if you work with these children or fall into the spectrum of autism disorders personally.

Bobby, adults don’t typically capitalize random words, fail to conjugate verbs properly, or end sentences with 13 exclamation points (yes, I was so vehemently affected by the excess punctuation that I counted). I’m concerned that your difficulties with communication could be symptoms of something more serious.
 
Since you say that you want to win the lotto so badly, Bobby, I think you should try picking up potential mates somewhere more tailored to your life goals - perhaps the lotto ticket counter. If she’s wearing black, you’ll know she’s your girl, because you’ll have more than one thing in common (which we clearly do not). Good luck!

25% of people now meet their lovers online.

So, you will recall that I realized, with the help of some not-so-subtle commentary from family, that I needed to get on the whole "finding a husband and having at least 3 babies" thing.

As I began to formulate my master plan - call it serendipity or call it an obvious effect of my television dependency - I saw a commercial for match.com. The message seemed to be, "A LOT of people meet their lovers on the internet now. It's not weird. Plus, even if it is kind of weird, you're watching Bravo at 11 PM on a Friday night. Clearly you're too desperate to be worried about how socially acceptable it is. So just get your ass on our website, now." 

Maybe I'm reading into it too much.

But, regardless of the message I got from it, the advertising department at match.com deserves a raise or at least hookers on the boss, because I signed up. Promptly.

And then I left it at that because the cheap wine had gotten to me, and it was time to pass out.

At brunch the next day, I sheepishly shared my newest dating news with my home gals. One of them kind of laughed awkwardly, because that's what she does, one of them clearly did not know what to say and mumbled something about "not knowing those were for people our age," and another reassured me that "online dating is no longer taboo."

So there's that.

I feel as though you guys - people in internet land - probably think match.com is pretty normal, yes? But for a 24 year old? 

What do you guys think? Is match.com an acceptable master plan to find The Future Mr. Smooches? As for me, I am not sure, so I am now off to ponder and search for that match.com commercial to assure me once again that it's not weird...

Naturally, my first step was to start a blog.

I turned 24 last month, and have been metaphorically hit over the head with the discovery that sometime between being walked in on by my boyfriend's dorm mate at age 18 and my aunt inviting some guy to Christmas Eve dinner "for me to meet" at age 24: I have failed as a person. 

Yes, it's true. Apparently I am a failure because I have not yet found my life partner.

I have to be honest, you guys. I didn't see this coming. Not when I broke up with my "artist" (read: trust fund baby) boyfriend because he had no ambition, and certainly not when I decided it would be a good idea to encourage him to wine and dine me. Alas, it seems as though I have reached the point in life at which it's no longer acceptable to casually date your ex-boyfriends. 

I mean - how could I have known that age 24 was the age at which people officially started worrying about cat lady status? I would have thought that would be more like 34.

Even though I was not expecting this revelation, being the type of "get up and go" gal I fancy myself to be, once I found out I am a failure in life, I was like - let's do this.

And so it began...