New message: Now this is just getting discouraging.

Subject: Howdy

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How were your holidays? Im Quinn. What do you do for work?

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Subject: Shoulda known you’d bring me heartbreak.

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Howdy, Quinn. My holidays were wonderful – how were yours?

You know, I have to ask, Quinn, being the curious gal I am: Do they even celebrate Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa in the Wild, Wild West? Because I imagine you must be from a cowboy movie, as that is the only place I have ever encountered use of the word “howdy” as a greeting?

Also, is Quinn a cowboy name? It doesn’t sound *that* rugged to me, but I am admittedly not a cowboy expert! Hopefully your expertise can clarify this important question for me…

But enough with the niceties, Quinn, I’ll be real with you: The forces of the Universe are working against us.

Why? Oh, sweet Quinn, why ask such questions in matters of the heart? Is there ever a satisfying answer?

I’ll indulge you, though, Quinn. There are two reasons we cannot be soul mates. One: you clearly didn’t even read my (pretty short) profile since I mentioned my work in there. I mean, I doubt you even SKIMMED my profile since “work” is in its own section. What did you do, just look at my photos? Not cool, Quinn.

Maybe I am being nitpicky here, but I also really enjoy the English language. Your choice to forgo an apostrophe in “I’m” is off-putting.

Having said that, I did try to change for you – look, I even used a made-up word in the subject – but sooner or later I had to face the facts: If you don’t even have the attention span to read a dating profile, how will you EVER be able to meet the needs of me and our 3 – 9 children? The sad truth, Quinn, is that you will never be able to meet our needs.

Good luck dating in the Wild West though, Quinn. I hope you find an exquisite cowgirl to love, and that you don’t lose her in any future duels.