their ineptitude never ends... but the day does.

So I have neglected this blog! What a surprise. I could tell you I've been soooo busy and all that (which I have), but the truth is, sometimes after a long day, the last thing a gal wants to do is sift through puzzling emails from strange men. I know you guys know what I mean. Anyway, I'm going to try to post more often, so here's an older email that I found to be great evidence of the fact that the Universe is playing a really cruel joke on me. Maybe I should jut accept cat lady status now.

 Subject: Hello I am James.

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Greetings,

To show you that I am goal oriented and determined I will explain my goals. I have given this a lot of thought. I can see myself getting married in a year or two. I can do these things on my own, I just need someone to join me. I live in New City NY and even though I am Jewish, I go to college in Sparkill NY, both in Rockland County, about 10-20 miles north of New York City. Dorm life was not for me so I live at home by choice. However, when we needed someplace to live, if I was still in college, or before we were ready to buy a house, I would want to live in Piermont NY (about 10 miles north of the city and a bus to the city at the door). I would want to live there for three reasons. One it is a short walk to my college, second my family owns the building so we would not have any rent to pay, and third, it is a great place to live. I can see myself getting married in a year or two but I am in no rush to do so. By the time we had our first kid I would want to be in a house of our own. Even though I am in college I am supported by very well to do parents. Within the next tens years I want to be married with a few kids in a house of our own.

I hope to hear from you.

James

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 Subject: Hello I am not interested.

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James. Where do I even begin?

Let’s start on a positive note: It’s fantastic that you’re goal-oriented and determined. Unfortunately, this isn’t a high school essay, so framing it like one by telling me what you are going to do is not only odd, but indicative of some larger social issue.

I guess it speaks to your goal-oriented nature that you’ve already planned where “we’re” going to live, but James: did it ever occur to you that maybe I have a thought or two on where we should live? Did you just build up this whole illusion in your head that involved me being all about Piermont, NY? Or, worse: Did you think my input didn’t matter?

If you’re disregarding my feelings like this and we haven’t even met… or you know, exchanged an email... I’m slightly confused as to why you have brainstormed how we’d approach becoming parents together. 

In your words, I am in no rush to do so. 

The fact is: we're not going to work out James. Which is a shame, because the fact that you’re supported by your well-to-do parents means we could probably spring for that Four Seasons wedding (or, you know, the Piedmont, NY, equivalent: the Holiday Inn?) - but alas, James, love will tear us apart. And by love I mean your reluctance to include me in any of our future plans and your strange affection for a place I have not heard of.

You know, since you state that you're goal-oriented, I would recommend setting the goal to meet a girl. I mean in this crazy world, actually making plans with another person just might be the thing to do if you want those plans to come to fruition. Who the hell knows. Either way, I hope you find someone and live happily ever after in Piermont, NY.

Xo,

Smooches

The Date: In Which I Learn About A Thing Called "Second Life"

After a month or so on Match, I thought it was about time to go on a date, and a guy who name-dropped one of my favorite books seemed as good a candidate as any. We made plans to meet up for coffee, I meticulously brainstormed my outfit, and the much anticipated day finally came.

I told him what I’d be wearing so we wouldn’t be awkwardly strolling about the coffee shop trying to find each other. But this served a second purpose as well: it convinced me that he was my intended date.

He did NOT look as expected. My date weighed substantially more than anticipated and I would guess the photos posted were taken 6 – 8 years ago. Which means he was probably lying about his age too.

Alas, I’m no superficialist, so I got over the initial surprise rather quickly and prepared to bring my first date a-game.

But a successful first date was not in the cards.

To summarize, our conversation went something like this:

I: So what do you do?

He: I’m a musician.

I: Oh wow, that’s so cool! Have any upcoming gigs I could come to?

He: Well, I’m a musician in Second Life. The game.

I: I’m sorry?

He then explained this virtual reality game in alarming detail. But this was only the first five minutes of our date. There was much more fun to be had.

I: So, I haven’t been in a relationship for a while. How about you?

He: Oh I broke up with my girlfriend last week. Well… my girlfriend in the game.

Our whole conversation was about this game, and he seemed continually perturbed when I’d interpret his comments as being statements about his actual life. His tone was like, “NO, I’m ONLY talking about my SECOND LIFE, duh, I thought we’d covered that.”

Needless to say, the date was not a success, ladies and gentleman. I did, however, learn a valuable lesson: converse with someone by email a little before you agree to meet them. Because I’m pretty sure I’d have known this guy was a complete whack job if I’d only asked him his favorite activity.

Obsessive second life playing is not compatible with my life, nor is difficulty differentiating between a game and reality. Next please.

Woe

I have been overly swamped with work y'all (I am a writer, hence the quote) and have had completely insufficient time for dating – or responding to weird Match.com messages, as it were. 

Worry not though, I promise my smooches of cruelty will soon return! With a special Valentine's Day tale I like to call, "Cupid, even if you were a sad puppy in the window,  two days away from meeting an untimely end, I'd still curse yo' ass." 

With that, I would like to wish you all a most happy Valentine's Day! xx

New message: Now this is just getting discouraging.

Subject: Howdy

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How were your holidays? Im Quinn. What do you do for work?

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Subject: Shoulda known you’d bring me heartbreak.

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Howdy, Quinn. My holidays were wonderful – how were yours?

You know, I have to ask, Quinn, being the curious gal I am: Do they even celebrate Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa in the Wild, Wild West? Because I imagine you must be from a cowboy movie, as that is the only place I have ever encountered use of the word “howdy” as a greeting?

Also, is Quinn a cowboy name? It doesn’t sound *that* rugged to me, but I am admittedly not a cowboy expert! Hopefully your expertise can clarify this important question for me…

But enough with the niceties, Quinn, I’ll be real with you: The forces of the Universe are working against us.

Why? Oh, sweet Quinn, why ask such questions in matters of the heart? Is there ever a satisfying answer?

I’ll indulge you, though, Quinn. There are two reasons we cannot be soul mates. One: you clearly didn’t even read my (pretty short) profile since I mentioned my work in there. I mean, I doubt you even SKIMMED my profile since “work” is in its own section. What did you do, just look at my photos? Not cool, Quinn.

Maybe I am being nitpicky here, but I also really enjoy the English language. Your choice to forgo an apostrophe in “I’m” is off-putting.

Having said that, I did try to change for you – look, I even used a made-up word in the subject – but sooner or later I had to face the facts: If you don’t even have the attention span to read a dating profile, how will you EVER be able to meet the needs of me and our 3 – 9 children? The sad truth, Quinn, is that you will never be able to meet our needs.

Good luck dating in the Wild West though, Quinn. I hope you find an exquisite cowgirl to love, and that you don’t lose her in any future duels.

New Message: No. Just No.

Subject: and then I said “what”

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and you said?

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Subject: No.

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Hello Dan! Since I already fully responded to you in the subject line, I was going to leave this blank, but I decided that your thoughtful message deserved a reason: Why, exactly, am I saying no to all that you have to offer?

Naturally, after reading your well-crafted greeting, I went to your profile to see what you have to offer – and – what a surprise – it is empty. Are you a real person or just an empty vessel?

There isn’t much more to say, Dan. I like interesting people, and to be interesting, you need to have something to say, which you clearly don’t. Maybe you could consider dating someone who speaks no English so that your lack of communication isn’t an issue? I mean, I’ve got nothing here. Please refer to subject line.

New Message From SteeringWheel: Another One Bites The Dust

Subject: Hello
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I really like your profile. I have a feeling that we might get along rather well. You seem both kind and genuine and I find both to be attractive qualities. Also someone who is down to earth is a rare thing these days. Im hoping that after you check out my page you think im worth getting to know as well. Looking forward to your reply.




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Subject: Dear Car Wheel,
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Hello SteeringWheel. I hope I can call you by your nickname since you did not mention your actual name in your profile or email.



 
Anyway, SteeringWheel – here’s the thing: you freak me out a bit. In your profile, every section has an answer, but then you seem to have included 5 – 6 alternative answers, preceded by dates. 




I understand how exciting it must be to come up with more than one answer, and that you want to commemorate the special occasion with a date, but I actually don’t need to read six paragraphs in response to a question that is ultimately meaningless anyway. 



Maybe going forward, when inspiration strikes, you can just go ahead and delete your previous answer – thereby avoiding freaking out ladies who worry about how much time you have on your hands and/or if you are incapable of coming to this conclusion on your own (which is also concerning).




I have confidence that this small step will make a big difference in improving your chances of finding a lady – but equal confidence in the fact that this lady is not me. Best wishes, SteeringWheel.

J.

Subject: Pescatarian

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I had to google it. Regardless of whether we end up hanging out, I learned something today! I feel very productive!


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Subject: Just not the one.

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Hi there J. I am so glad I could help you expand your vocabulary! And you know what? I love google too. What are the chances?

Sure, I was not super keen on your age (as I was clear about the fact that I would like to date those aged 25 - 29) - or the receding hairline that goes with it - but our mutual love of google and words made me think you just might be the one!

I decided to check out your profile.

I mean... J., you mention that you’re ‘pretty good at poker.’ That’s just confusing. Why mention it if you’re only pretty good at it? I mean - if you’re an awesome poker player - fine, boast all you want, but I still might think you’re hinting at a compulsive gambling issue - not exactly the stuff romances are made of.

But you’re only ‘pretty good’? Not only does that make me consider the possibility that you may have a gambling addiction J., but it also makes me worry that all you excel in is mediocrity (which, again, isn’t exactly the stuff epic romances - at least my own - are made of).

You go on to mention boozing not once, but twice, in your profile. J., I hate to play armchair shrink on a dating website, but didn’t your mother tell you compulsive behaviors don’t attract the ladies?

So, it is with a heavy heart, J., that I must say, thanks, but no thanks. While at one point I was convinced you were “The One” (after I got over your hairline but before I encountered your profile/hobbies) I am now sure that we will not work out. Best of luck with the booze and gambling!

new message from bobby: what a let-down.

Subject: love black too.

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How are you? I'm Bobby!! You have a good Christmas?

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Subject: black is not enough.

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I am doing well thanks, Bobby. I did have a great Christmas, I would ask you how yours was but I don’t want to give you the idea that our mutual love of the color black is enough :( I was hoping it would mean we were soul mates, but it appears the fates had other plans. Because the truth is, I don’t think we’re going to work out.

I noticed you’re a big YANKEE FAN and DALLAS COWBOYS. When I read that, I started to get concerned. Bobby, I don’t like either of those teams. However, because I am desperate and all - I read on.

Sadly, I knew our hypothetical romance was not meant to be when you described your work by saying “work with autism kids.” Sadly I am not sure if you work with these children or fall into the spectrum of autism disorders personally.

Bobby, adults don’t typically capitalize random words, fail to conjugate verbs properly, or end sentences with 13 exclamation points (yes, I was so vehemently affected by the excess punctuation that I counted). I’m concerned that your difficulties with communication could be symptoms of something more serious.
 
Since you say that you want to win the lotto so badly, Bobby, I think you should try picking up potential mates somewhere more tailored to your life goals - perhaps the lotto ticket counter. If she’s wearing black, you’ll know she’s your girl, because you’ll have more than one thing in common (which we clearly do not). Good luck!

25% of people now meet their lovers online.

So, you will recall that I realized, with the help of some not-so-subtle commentary from family, that I needed to get on the whole "finding a husband and having at least 3 babies" thing.

As I began to formulate my master plan - call it serendipity or call it an obvious effect of my television dependency - I saw a commercial for match.com. The message seemed to be, "A LOT of people meet their lovers on the internet now. It's not weird. Plus, even if it is kind of weird, you're watching Bravo at 11 PM on a Friday night. Clearly you're too desperate to be worried about how socially acceptable it is. So just get your ass on our website, now." 

Maybe I'm reading into it too much.

But, regardless of the message I got from it, the advertising department at match.com deserves a raise or at least hookers on the boss, because I signed up. Promptly.

And then I left it at that because the cheap wine had gotten to me, and it was time to pass out.

At brunch the next day, I sheepishly shared my newest dating news with my home gals. One of them kind of laughed awkwardly, because that's what she does, one of them clearly did not know what to say and mumbled something about "not knowing those were for people our age," and another reassured me that "online dating is no longer taboo."

So there's that.

I feel as though you guys - people in internet land - probably think match.com is pretty normal, yes? But for a 24 year old? 

What do you guys think? Is match.com an acceptable master plan to find The Future Mr. Smooches? As for me, I am not sure, so I am now off to ponder and search for that match.com commercial to assure me once again that it's not weird...